i can’t seem to find my way
alone in the darkness
a cocoon of pain sticks to my body
like hot oil
searing unseen scars deep within my flesh
silent words slither around my brain
to seek shelter among the ashes and soot
a lead weight sits upon my chest
i’m almost there
at home with my despair
i climbed as far as the eyes can see
but now I crawl deep into the earth
in search of my door, of silence, of peace
alone in the darkness and solitude
alone with myself in the cold damp earth
i have found my way…
Here is a moment truth. After reading some of my earlier posts I decided that I’m full of sh**. There’s too much preaching about writing and following your my dreams that I decided I sound sort of stupid. Look, to be honest, I’ve been in pissy mood for quite sometime now. There’s way too much going in my life and I’d really like it if I could go dig a great big hole for myself to hide in, or maybe I could find a nice dark damp cave and hang out with the bats for a while. Either way will work for me. Instead, I’ve written about how a writer has to be honest with the reader, a writer must put their heart and soul into the entire creative process. Blech… Yes! We must do that every single time we venture into our own creative space but that isn’t what I’ve done, I’ve been lying. I’ve pretended, and at least for today, my truth is I don’t think I know anything about anything. There, I said it.
I don’t have the first clue how to even find my creative space let alone venture into it honestly. Most days I’m looking through the window of my imagination at all the pretty little things in my creative mind but the door is locked and the key is missing. I’ve searched everywhere for that damn key. I’ve met some pretty awesome people along the way yet when I ask them if they know where my key is they look at me like I just spoke in jibberish. As people we don’t fit one particular mold so why do I think I have to? I’ve convinced myself that I must belong. Belong to what and with whom, is the question of the day. I don’t really know and that makes me laugh. A really big belly laugh. Me continually try to impress people I don’t know is the bane of my existence.
Some people say everything happens for a reason and exactly when it’s suppose to happen. I’d like to hit those people over the head. No. Not really. Things do happen for a reason I’m just not sure what the reasons are yet but recently there is a topic popping up in many of the blogs I read that piques my interest. Many say that creating a manifesto is one of the most important things we can do in our lives. It’s the new buzzword. A manifesto is a declaration of personal principles and intentions for our own lives. A list of what matters most to us and the rules we intend to live by. Could it really be that simple? A manifesto to put myself back on track? To give me some direction?
Maybe I don’t know what I really stand for or what is really important to me. (I know…cue the choir music.) I don’t know if writing a manifesto will be the key either but it’s worth a shot. And if that doesn’t work I’ll have a shot. A great big shot of tequila without the salt and lime. Seriously, this is what I like about the word manifesto. It is a declaration, it is an intent. Those are some pretty powerful words. When some people make a declaration it is as good as a signed contract, as good as gold, or as good as a spit handshake. For procrastinators and people with ADD, like me, this is a problem.
My homework assignment for myself the rest of this week is to come up with my manifesto. Yay! Only letting the most important principles and intents make the list. I’m going to focus on who I am and where I want to go. I’m going to search for that beautiful diamond encrusted key that will open that cute little shop I’ve been window shopping at and I’m going to stop being afraid.
Do you know where your key is? Do it with me. Write your own manifesto. Come back here and share it.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Yesterday was May Day, a symbolic day when we awaken from our winter slumber to the beauty of spring and all the beauty and possibilities waiting for us. It reminds us of the slumbering passions within ourselves and motivates us to go after them. My passion has always been words and writing. What is it about writing that attracts me so much? Well, I’ve tried to figure that out for most of my life but it seems that I enjoy the act of putting pen to paper or the typing them into the computer to create something unique, possibly profound. You could say that I’m obsessed with the idea of writing but over and over I struggle with the act of writing. Why? Because I never allow myself to truly have a voice. I mean, I give my ideas and opinions all the time, even when they aren’t even asked for, but I’m not sure that’s the same as having a voice, one that can speak from a place of knowing that no matter what, I know who I am and I know what I believe in. I believe that when you write from that place, that truth inside yourself, you allow your reader to connect with you on a completely different level.
A friend of mine said to me not too long ago that I had to “own” my writing. At first I thought she was crazy. What could she possibly mean by that? Of course I own my writing or I wouldn’t have written it or shown it to her, but what I think what she was really saying is that I need let go, to get out of my way and let my heart out on the page, one hundred and fifty percent. A writer must be honest with the reader, being accountable for every word. I have to give myself over to my words and let them have the energy they so crave and I have to stop apologizing for the words I write. Without doing that the reader will know I’m a fraud or a fake and an untalented one to boot. Another lesson I have yet to overcome is the one where I stop saying “I’m trying to do this…” or “I’m trying to do that…” but instead, to coin a phrase, to just do it. Period. End of story. Obviously, simply putting words on paper doesn’t mean it’s any good but so what? There’s always re-writes. That’s also what she meant. I have to learn how to write without letting fear and worry get in the way. I need to have fun writing. What a concept. Yikes!
Ok. So writing was my dream. Today it is my reality. From listening to advice from some very talented writer people, to reading authors who are known for good writing and spending time in the writing process I will discover my voice, my sense of self and the where and when of how my voice belongs out in this great big world we live in. As I keep saying during the process of my writing journey, words have power, an energy that could go well beyond what I write and maybe, just maybe, my words could give someone the tools they need to get started on their own path of self discovery.
Thanks for letting me share with you. I hope your day is full of passion!
The first three words I chose were different words. They were good words just different. I happened to look down at the rubber bracelet I had made over the holiday’s and felt like a dummy. The bracelet reads: laugh often, love much, believe always.
My three words. All pretty much self-explanatory.
I’ve stamped these words into some jewelry pieces I made last year and they’ve become part of my daily creative life process. I’ve tried to share these words. They have energy. They have power. They have freedom. They inspire me.
When I read these words I remember that I can. I remember that I have people in my life who believe in me. This gives me hope. I am loved. I am free to live each moment to the fullest, enjoying the wonders that are given to me. I can see the humor of our lives in the beauty of our lives. We are all possible of so much more than we realize.
I choose to reach out and live it.
***I neglected to say that this post was inspired by a post I read today written by Steffan Antonas.***